If nobody cared
Monday, May 24, 2010
I haven't really been feeling too upbeat about life these days. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I am angry at the whole world for being so evil to me.
I wonder to myself sometimes if or not I deserve to be in some of the situations that I am in. Everything just seems to be so full of negativity. The place I live, my parents, my non-existent friends, my classmates, my school, my projects, my other assignments, my project mates, my lecturer, my campus, the public transportation, the public, and even myself and my non-existent life.
Did I land myself here? Did I choose to be here? Or was it just a one time matter of chance? Or am I simply asking for too much?
"Just keep swimming, swimming swimming" - Dory
There is a sinking feeling that slowly overwhelms as each day passes. I think it is the loneliness that I feel inside of me. I am just like every other 18-year old out there. I'd like to call up a couple of my friends, book some movie tickets, and indulge myself in laughter and good company. I can't remember the last time I got out of the house to actually do something like that. Or even anything close to it.
I am limited by financial difficulties within my family most of the time. I was told once that "you don't need money to be entertained". Everyone seems to have the kind of money that keeps them occupied. When everyone has it, you probably can't do without it, too. For example, if majority of your friends didn't own a handphone, then, in theory, you probably would find little benefit in owning one.
Crying my nights away before I drown in my own depression and go to sleep gives me migraines when I wake up the next morning. It carries over to the entire day, and it takes a toll on my ability to perform on that day.
I think i'm haunted by my past. I'm scared to be the same person I used to be. I just don't want to go there. I'm too scared. I don't know who is the actual me anymore. The person i'm running away from, or the person I am as of the present. Perhaps it is just time to confront what really scares me - my past, back when I was such an idiot. I hope i'm not an idiot now.
I don't want to be alone. I need someone who can understand me and hear me out. Someone who can give be some advice and a sense of direction, for i'm lost. I hope it isn't wrong to ask. I want to share my sorrows and happiness and other shits of life with people. I want to love the people around me and never forget the impact every one of them has made on me. I'm getting worried for myself. What is a life without the people you love and take a personal interest in?
Will I ever find that special someone? Will something extraordinary happen? Or am I just waiting for a miracle that will never happen? Should I create that miracle? God, am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be where I am now?
Hey you there... you're a nice person. I like you. Can I talk to you? I'd like to cry over my lunch.
I am limited by financial difficulties within my family most of the time. I was told once that "you don't need money to be entertained". Everyone seems to have the kind of money that keeps them occupied. When everyone has it, you probably can't do without it, too. For example, if majority of your friends didn't own a handphone, then, in theory, you probably would find little benefit in owning one.
Crying my nights away before I drown in my own depression and go to sleep gives me migraines when I wake up the next morning. It carries over to the entire day, and it takes a toll on my ability to perform on that day.
I think i'm haunted by my past. I'm scared to be the same person I used to be. I just don't want to go there. I'm too scared. I don't know who is the actual me anymore. The person i'm running away from, or the person I am as of the present. Perhaps it is just time to confront what really scares me - my past, back when I was such an idiot. I hope i'm not an idiot now.
I don't want to be alone. I need someone who can understand me and hear me out. Someone who can give be some advice and a sense of direction, for i'm lost. I hope it isn't wrong to ask. I want to share my sorrows and happiness and other shits of life with people. I want to love the people around me and never forget the impact every one of them has made on me. I'm getting worried for myself. What is a life without the people you love and take a personal interest in?
Will I ever find that special someone? Will something extraordinary happen? Or am I just waiting for a miracle that will never happen? Should I create that miracle? God, am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be where I am now?
Hey you there... you're a nice person. I like you. Can I talk to you? I'd like to cry over my lunch.
"Just keep swimming, swimming swimming" - Dory
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