If nobody cared
Monday, May 24, 2010
I haven't really been feeling too upbeat about life these days. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I am angry at the whole world for being so evil to me.
I wonder to myself sometimes if or not I deserve to be in some of the situations that I am in. Everything just seems to be so full of negativity. The place I live, my parents, my non-existent friends, my classmates, my school, my projects, my other assignments, my project mates, my lecturer, my campus, the public transportation, the public, and even myself and my non-existent life.
Did I land myself here? Did I choose to be here? Or was it just a one time matter of chance? Or am I simply asking for too much?
"Just keep swimming, swimming swimming" - Dory
There is a sinking feeling that slowly overwhelms as each day passes. I think it is the loneliness that I feel inside of me. I am just like every other 18-year old out there. I'd like to call up a couple of my friends, book some movie tickets, and indulge myself in laughter and good company. I can't remember the last time I got out of the house to actually do something like that. Or even anything close to it.
I am limited by financial difficulties within my family most of the time. I was told once that "you don't need money to be entertained". Everyone seems to have the kind of money that keeps them occupied. When everyone has it, you probably can't do without it, too. For example, if majority of your friends didn't own a handphone, then, in theory, you probably would find little benefit in owning one.
Crying my nights away before I drown in my own depression and go to sleep gives me migraines when I wake up the next morning. It carries over to the entire day, and it takes a toll on my ability to perform on that day.
I think i'm haunted by my past. I'm scared to be the same person I used to be. I just don't want to go there. I'm too scared. I don't know who is the actual me anymore. The person i'm running away from, or the person I am as of the present. Perhaps it is just time to confront what really scares me - my past, back when I was such an idiot. I hope i'm not an idiot now.
I don't want to be alone. I need someone who can understand me and hear me out. Someone who can give be some advice and a sense of direction, for i'm lost. I hope it isn't wrong to ask. I want to share my sorrows and happiness and other shits of life with people. I want to love the people around me and never forget the impact every one of them has made on me. I'm getting worried for myself. What is a life without the people you love and take a personal interest in?
Will I ever find that special someone? Will something extraordinary happen? Or am I just waiting for a miracle that will never happen? Should I create that miracle? God, am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be where I am now?
Hey you there... you're a nice person. I like you. Can I talk to you? I'd like to cry over my lunch.
I am limited by financial difficulties within my family most of the time. I was told once that "you don't need money to be entertained". Everyone seems to have the kind of money that keeps them occupied. When everyone has it, you probably can't do without it, too. For example, if majority of your friends didn't own a handphone, then, in theory, you probably would find little benefit in owning one.
Crying my nights away before I drown in my own depression and go to sleep gives me migraines when I wake up the next morning. It carries over to the entire day, and it takes a toll on my ability to perform on that day.
I think i'm haunted by my past. I'm scared to be the same person I used to be. I just don't want to go there. I'm too scared. I don't know who is the actual me anymore. The person i'm running away from, or the person I am as of the present. Perhaps it is just time to confront what really scares me - my past, back when I was such an idiot. I hope i'm not an idiot now.
I don't want to be alone. I need someone who can understand me and hear me out. Someone who can give be some advice and a sense of direction, for i'm lost. I hope it isn't wrong to ask. I want to share my sorrows and happiness and other shits of life with people. I want to love the people around me and never forget the impact every one of them has made on me. I'm getting worried for myself. What is a life without the people you love and take a personal interest in?
Will I ever find that special someone? Will something extraordinary happen? Or am I just waiting for a miracle that will never happen? Should I create that miracle? God, am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be where I am now?
Hey you there... you're a nice person. I like you. Can I talk to you? I'd like to cry over my lunch.
"Just keep swimming, swimming swimming" - Dory
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i'm depressed, stressed, and I can't sleep well.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." - Murphy's Law
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thoughts on enrichment activities
Sunday, May 9, 2010
some two weeks back or so, our class had an outing...to sentosa. It was supposed to be a major event of some sort. Whenever our class has to attend an event like that, it never fails to stir up an entire saga - a train of bad events - for the class. Only this time, the magnitude was much higher.
"Expectation is the root cause of dissapointment."
I think that the biggest issue that us students have with an event that was planned by lecturers is that the event wouldn't be what would described as "fun". Worse, the event would probably have some kind of purpose, something nicely put as "enrichment". In this case, the event was meant to bond the class. Pretty much the same as our previous events.
There are plenty of people right now who are pissed off at our CA. Here's the bigger picture: everyone in the entire course who didn't turn up without a valid MC/AL was made to pay ten dollars. Our CA, was in fact, just doing what he had to do. And he did so giving repeated prior warnings. Like what he says, either shape up or shape out. You jolly well comply with what the school asks you for. It really isn't that hard.
As a CA, the way he keeps up his enthusiasm is pretty incredible. It may not seem evident, but we have another class event coming up, and he STILL is trying to get maximum participation from the class (which probably won't happen).
IF i were to be in my CA's shoes, I would have just washed off my hands on the entire class as a whole and just concentrate on students who deserve better. Of course, as a CA, you're not allowed to do that. They'll have to be answerable if else.
Perhaps Mr. Sunny Chow just doesn't do classroom politics, but on the bright side, he has the ability to see every student in the class with the same eye. It isn't common to see people like that these days.
Too bad though, things don't work that way here. The way to go (in such a sticky classroom situation) is via salvaging what can be salvaged, and to hell with everything else. Screw all diplomacy. If one is serious about a successful graduation, then all these politics don't matter. Our hopes and dreams are much bigger than all these.
As far as i'm concerned, the school is bigger than your own class. There is an entire eco-system that is in place ready for us students to start taking advantage of. And that's the beauty of school. Everything is rolled out for you nicely - red carpet style.
Hours of precious lesson time has been wasted on lecturing the class on the stunt that we pulled off on the "stupid sentosa event". Things might change in the near future, but seriously, after an entire year of knowing each other, I don't think we'll be seeing any more surprises.
Besides, students would never, ever, ever be able to organize such event. Even if students did, it wouldn't be "fun". There are bound to be screw ups. I think it's fun when the lecturers organize events, rather.
The 7 (yeah, seriously) of us who turned up got rave praises from Mr. Chow. He pointed out something interesting when doing so: he said that the 7 of us who turned up played the games in the hot sun and sand without complaining a single work. It just goes to show that the 7 who turned up were morally upright enough to take responsibility of our decisions; to actually make an effort to show up, to show respect, and making sure we didn't regret attending the event at sentosa.
And you know what? The 7 of us didn't regret it a single bit. Once again, what could be salvaged was salvaged, and to hell with everything else. We had alot of fun.
So there you go - the 7 of us - Amira, Shafiqa, Siti, Hazirah, Mona, Divina, and me. These are the kind of people who have the qualities that truly make the class. People who are willing to mitigate their expectations accordingly, in contrast to being plain stubborn and self centered. You guys rock!
"Expectation is the root cause of dissapointment."
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