3D animation
Thursday, January 22, 2009
anyone who knows me well, would know that I find 3D pretty darn fascinating.
A team of people from CCKSS's it club, have worked their asses off on a 60-second piece of animation for the Schools Digital Media Awards.
Well, well, well. Guess what? working our asses off have paid off in a really good way.
http://www.evideo.edu.sg/sdma/vote.php/home/viewentry/111.htm
WE GOT INTO THE FINALS! HELL YEAH MEN!
be sure to vote for our school, okay? Our 60-second video is called "CubezVille", so be sure you're voting for the correct one! And, help spread the word!
eheheh, I shall take this wonderful opportunity to show off a bit of my 3D rendering portfolio:
original final scene design. Started off as a part of my attempt of trying out a clean look for a new 3D art style.
guys, we did it!!! a toast to ourselves, and to IT club! (finally, we may be on the verge of getting more funding for the club)
1 ENTIRE MINUTE OF PURE 3D SCHOOLBREWED EPICNESS.
EDIT: I just realized something. Admit it, 3D animation hasn't looked this cute since Jimmy Neutron.
A team of people from CCKSS's it club, have worked their asses off on a 60-second piece of animation for the Schools Digital Media Awards.
Well, well, well. Guess what? working our asses off have paid off in a really good way.
http://www.evideo.edu.sg/sdma/vote.php/home/viewentry/111.htm
WE GOT INTO THE FINALS! HELL YEAH MEN!
be sure to vote for our school, okay? Our 60-second video is called "CubezVille", so be sure you're voting for the correct one! And, help spread the word!
eheheh, I shall take this wonderful opportunity to show off a bit of my 3D rendering portfolio:
original final scene design. Started off as a part of my attempt of trying out a clean look for a new 3D art style.
guys, we did it!!! a toast to ourselves, and to IT club! (finally, we may be on the verge of getting more funding for the club)
1 ENTIRE MINUTE OF PURE 3D SCHOOLBREWED EPICNESS.
EDIT: I just realized something. Admit it, 3D animation hasn't looked this cute since Jimmy Neutron.
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Ma look, no hands!
Quite alot of things have happened recently. Surprising.
talking nutshell-style, I went bowling yesterday with a couple of guys. I've never been bowling before (no, not once in my entire life). However, it is worth a mention that bowling and me are not exactly completely foreign to each other. I've heard that, back in jurong, there was a bowling alley nearby. Here at Chua Chu Kang, I came to know about this place, called the bukit batok CSC, a place where you could basically chill out at. There's stuff like ballrooms, pool tables, and hey, a bowling alley.
In both instances, I was very tempted to go give bowling a go for myself. Problem is, i'm a lazy kid, and i'm broke. Paying for rolling balls across a smooth floor and hitting pins at the far end just didn't sound attractive under those circumstances.
That takes us right here - today. It was an invite from Alger, to join a couple of people to go bowl. Initially, the plan was to go ice skating, but they were saying things like "where has the ice skating ring moved to???", so...
While I was looking into slackjobs for 16-years old, Alger invited me, among other people, to go. Of course, he was being very persuasive in the processs, throwing out lines of instant text messages full of singlish, such as "walao just go lah!", "wad's a class reunion without people like you?", "come on lah!". It's times like these I realize how annoying MSN can be. No, Alger wasn't the annoying one. It was MSN.
Chen Sing was invited into the conversation too, because Alger wanted to invite him. CS couldn't make it, as he had already started Polytechinc. Epic. I wished DPA had saved my sorry ass too.
CS led us somewhere else, I guess. He invited Ang Jia Jin into the conversation. CS and AJJ were playing truth or dare on MSN, and Alger suggested we joined in too. So that's how we ended up in a conversation totalling up to 4 people. I'm sparing the readers of this blogpost the juicy bits of the Truth or Dare we played, mainly because we really were being retards online. Talking nutshell-style again, CS dared me to go bowling the next day.
You bet Alger was happy. Alger even said "thank you CS!!!". >_>
...and that's how I ended up.
Bowling is admittedly fun, and the beauty of it, to me, is the how simple the game really is, and how bowling literally almost has limitless replayability value. You can bowl, and each time you do so, it WILL be different.
Of course, I sucked at it. C'mon, it was my first time going bowling. I did however manage to get a few satisfying bowls, and exactly one strike. I'M NOOB, K?
That's about it. The day was pretty eventless, if you ask me.
A slightly more eventful day would be the day where a couple of us met teja to send him off at the airport. Too bad, I just don't feel like writing about it. Perhaps viewing Joseph's videos on Facebook would give an idea of how eventful the day was. No, really. Go watch it.
talking nutshell-style, I went bowling yesterday with a couple of guys. I've never been bowling before (no, not once in my entire life). However, it is worth a mention that bowling and me are not exactly completely foreign to each other. I've heard that, back in jurong, there was a bowling alley nearby. Here at Chua Chu Kang, I came to know about this place, called the bukit batok CSC, a place where you could basically chill out at. There's stuff like ballrooms, pool tables, and hey, a bowling alley.
In both instances, I was very tempted to go give bowling a go for myself. Problem is, i'm a lazy kid, and i'm broke. Paying for rolling balls across a smooth floor and hitting pins at the far end just didn't sound attractive under those circumstances.
That takes us right here - today. It was an invite from Alger, to join a couple of people to go bowl. Initially, the plan was to go ice skating, but they were saying things like "where has the ice skating ring moved to???", so...
While I was looking into slackjobs for 16-years old, Alger invited me, among other people, to go. Of course, he was being very persuasive in the processs, throwing out lines of instant text messages full of singlish, such as "walao just go lah!", "wad's a class reunion without people like you?", "come on lah!". It's times like these I realize how annoying MSN can be. No, Alger wasn't the annoying one. It was MSN.
Chen Sing was invited into the conversation too, because Alger wanted to invite him. CS couldn't make it, as he had already started Polytechinc. Epic. I wished DPA had saved my sorry ass too.
CS led us somewhere else, I guess. He invited Ang Jia Jin into the conversation. CS and AJJ were playing truth or dare on MSN, and Alger suggested we joined in too. So that's how we ended up in a conversation totalling up to 4 people. I'm sparing the readers of this blogpost the juicy bits of the Truth or Dare we played, mainly because we really were being retards online. Talking nutshell-style again, CS dared me to go bowling the next day.
You bet Alger was happy. Alger even said "thank you CS!!!". >_>
...and that's how I ended up.
Bowling is admittedly fun, and the beauty of it, to me, is the how simple the game really is, and how bowling literally almost has limitless replayability value. You can bowl, and each time you do so, it WILL be different.
Of course, I sucked at it. C'mon, it was my first time going bowling. I did however manage to get a few satisfying bowls, and exactly one strike. I'M NOOB, K?
That's about it. The day was pretty eventless, if you ask me.
A slightly more eventful day would be the day where a couple of us met teja to send him off at the airport. Too bad, I just don't feel like writing about it. Perhaps viewing Joseph's videos on Facebook would give an idea of how eventful the day was. No, really. Go watch it.
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so much for the social
Sunday, January 18, 2009
you know, sometimes...reading other people's blogs scare me. No Kiddin'.
I'm pretty sure everyone, at some point of their lives, would have met someone. Not someone special, but just someone who isn't exactly...say, normal?
Speaking for myself, I've met and known quite a number or people, and of course, getting to know them one person at a time is something exiting. However, all these years, there are just some people you wouldn't be able to just get though to. This....thing has been at the back of my head all the time, but today, as I type these words, I may have just found out what exactly this is.
I have a few things I believe in. One of these is that everybody is human. Everybody has feelings, and everybody deserves equal treatment as such. Especially if the people were to be in the same community.
...
I know, I know. You're probably wondering what does blogs scaring me has to do with all this. I say, continue reading. Maybe you would get what i'm hitting at then.
"The people who you wouldn't be able to get through to", is difficult to explain. I'll give an example. How bout, you meet this Chinese guy whose command of speaking English is not good, but fair. Impression is, he probably does not know the English language very well. Or so you think.
How bout another example. This time, a girl. Say, there's a girl seated right at the back of the class, keeping everything to herself and does not talk much, except to close friends of hers. Impression is, she probably is not a very social person. Or so you think.
Ever gave a thought about the people, who simply talk really, really loud and smile throughout every single minute of the day at the same time? In their heads, are they really smiling? or is it just a mask?
How bout the people keeping quiet? How do they stay that way? Do they have some kind of secret underground life that helps them spice up their life in replacement of their quietness to the social?
I don't know how other people are simply able to ignore all these weirdlyness everyday. The most common thought going around about these people is probably "aiyah, these people are just like that lah...what to do?". Personally, I find it quite hard to believe such kind of sterotyped thinking. To me, it feels wrong. Maybe because it's an assumption. I don't know. Thing is, people like these, when I think about them, they baffle me. It's just...not human...
...Or so you think.
The scary bit is, these people seem to lead a really shallow life, but acutally, they don't. If you're lucky enough, you may actually stumble upon one of these blogs, which viola. It's a whole new way at looking at that person. It's scary, actually. What even scarier is that is completely voids the "aiyah, they're like that one la" thinking, and instead, shockingly validates that...these people, no matter how happy or quiet, are human. They have a life, emotions, and stuf. All you need to do, is to hit their blog's address (even by accident), and let insights begin.
Maybe the saying is true afterall. The happiest people are people who make life happy for themselves. Sometimes, this comes back right up to me. I've been told several times that I come across as a cheerful person, but, to be honest, I've got alot in my life I have to be sad, angry, and dissapointed about. Maybe it's because I want to mask these things to the outside world, that I appear to be cheerful. I like being cheerful, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad at all, right?
I've really learnt to relate this to pretty much everywhere else; people are just simply not as shallow as they can appear to be. When such a shallow person all of a sudden gets overcome by emotions, they cry, feel angry, and want to be left alone....it comes as a shock, because usually, the emotions come across as very deep and powerful. When I see something like this, I just can't help but to feel for them. I know so many people like these that I wish I could help, but...
Let's take a few exmaples. I've been going around , visiting other people's blogs here and there. I learnt that Ernest got a little worked up on how he couldn't decide, I heard HY bitching about some cliuqe meeting and talking about girlfriends (AND somehow, her boyfriend, for that matter), and Geok Shan just posted a incredible list of new-year resolutions. Stuff like these. Stuff like this is just all over the place. At school, to me, Ernest is a light-hearted intelligent joker who works hard (and does not overwork), and HY is a seemingly happy and candid girl. How about Geok Shan, she's cheerful...........right?
All this shallow impressions have all been proven wrong already. It's crazy stuff. I don't know how these people get the drive to do such things. Maybe it's just me and my lack of self descipline. But still ....damn. The drive these people have that keeps them propelling foreward...I don't know what it is...but it's incredible. It's impressive. I never got the drive to push myself to even do things I want. That's probably why my studies and my life is screwed up. Everybody is probably getting out and doing things, but i'm just rotting away at home, in front of my almost too big widescreen. I wish I could do so much, but I just can't. It's not just seeing cheerful people at school being seriously serious in what they write in thier what-should-have-been-a cheerful blog. It's more than that. It's crazy stuff. Topping all this off, it's deep. Very, very deep. It's something close to the heart, and shouldn't be meddled around with.
I've only understood so much. It just isn't enough; it's crazy stuff. Maybe, slowly, one day. I'll understand....
...One day.
and oh yes, thanks to Geok Shan's wonderful web coding talents, this blogskin is officially out of beta. Thank you Geok Shan!
I'm pretty sure everyone, at some point of their lives, would have met someone. Not someone special, but just someone who isn't exactly...say, normal?
Speaking for myself, I've met and known quite a number or people, and of course, getting to know them one person at a time is something exiting. However, all these years, there are just some people you wouldn't be able to just get though to. This....thing has been at the back of my head all the time, but today, as I type these words, I may have just found out what exactly this is.
I have a few things I believe in. One of these is that everybody is human. Everybody has feelings, and everybody deserves equal treatment as such. Especially if the people were to be in the same community.
...
I know, I know. You're probably wondering what does blogs scaring me has to do with all this. I say, continue reading. Maybe you would get what i'm hitting at then.
"The people who you wouldn't be able to get through to", is difficult to explain. I'll give an example. How bout, you meet this Chinese guy whose command of speaking English is not good, but fair. Impression is, he probably does not know the English language very well. Or so you think.
How bout another example. This time, a girl. Say, there's a girl seated right at the back of the class, keeping everything to herself and does not talk much, except to close friends of hers. Impression is, she probably is not a very social person. Or so you think.
Ever gave a thought about the people, who simply talk really, really loud and smile throughout every single minute of the day at the same time? In their heads, are they really smiling? or is it just a mask?
How bout the people keeping quiet? How do they stay that way? Do they have some kind of secret underground life that helps them spice up their life in replacement of their quietness to the social?
I don't know how other people are simply able to ignore all these weirdlyness everyday. The most common thought going around about these people is probably "aiyah, these people are just like that lah...what to do?". Personally, I find it quite hard to believe such kind of sterotyped thinking. To me, it feels wrong. Maybe because it's an assumption. I don't know. Thing is, people like these, when I think about them, they baffle me. It's just...not human...
...Or so you think.
The scary bit is, these people seem to lead a really shallow life, but acutally, they don't. If you're lucky enough, you may actually stumble upon one of these blogs, which viola. It's a whole new way at looking at that person. It's scary, actually. What even scarier is that is completely voids the "aiyah, they're like that one la" thinking, and instead, shockingly validates that...these people, no matter how happy or quiet, are human. They have a life, emotions, and stuf. All you need to do, is to hit their blog's address (even by accident), and let insights begin.
Maybe the saying is true afterall. The happiest people are people who make life happy for themselves. Sometimes, this comes back right up to me. I've been told several times that I come across as a cheerful person, but, to be honest, I've got alot in my life I have to be sad, angry, and dissapointed about. Maybe it's because I want to mask these things to the outside world, that I appear to be cheerful. I like being cheerful, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad at all, right?
I've really learnt to relate this to pretty much everywhere else; people are just simply not as shallow as they can appear to be. When such a shallow person all of a sudden gets overcome by emotions, they cry, feel angry, and want to be left alone....it comes as a shock, because usually, the emotions come across as very deep and powerful. When I see something like this, I just can't help but to feel for them. I know so many people like these that I wish I could help, but...
Let's take a few exmaples. I've been going around , visiting other people's blogs here and there. I learnt that Ernest got a little worked up on how he couldn't decide, I heard HY bitching about some cliuqe meeting and talking about girlfriends (AND somehow, her boyfriend, for that matter), and Geok Shan just posted a incredible list of new-year resolutions. Stuff like these. Stuff like this is just all over the place. At school, to me, Ernest is a light-hearted intelligent joker who works hard (and does not overwork), and HY is a seemingly happy and candid girl. How about Geok Shan, she's cheerful...........right?
All this shallow impressions have all been proven wrong already. It's crazy stuff. I don't know how these people get the drive to do such things. Maybe it's just me and my lack of self descipline. But still ....damn. The drive these people have that keeps them propelling foreward...I don't know what it is...but it's incredible. It's impressive. I never got the drive to push myself to even do things I want. That's probably why my studies and my life is screwed up. Everybody is probably getting out and doing things, but i'm just rotting away at home, in front of my almost too big widescreen. I wish I could do so much, but I just can't. It's not just seeing cheerful people at school being seriously serious in what they write in thier what-should-have-been-a cheerful blog. It's more than that. It's crazy stuff. Topping all this off, it's deep. Very, very deep. It's something close to the heart, and shouldn't be meddled around with.
I've only understood so much. It just isn't enough; it's crazy stuff. Maybe, slowly, one day. I'll understand....
...One day.
and oh yes, thanks to Geok Shan's wonderful web coding talents, this blogskin is officially out of beta. Thank you Geok Shan!
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Dream Catch Me
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The following was written on thursday. Yup, I posted this here almost 4 days too late.
I went back to school yesterday. It was the first time in 3 months I got the opportunity to slip back into school uniform. It felt nice to wear it once again, and I made sure I put on my best. This was going to be probably one of the last few times I was going to be in uniform.
Lim Chu Kang is probably the loneliest place in Singapore, and I was expecting yet another impatient, lonely wait for the bus 975 to come. However, this time round, there were a lot of people. Or should I say sec 2’s. You see, the sec 2 camp, the MOE jalan bahtera camp, was less than 2 stops away from where I was. Nice, so these were the kids from there?
Their instructor came up to me and asked me to take a photo with their group. I was told it was part of their activity, but I couldn’t see how. I walked over to the opposite bus-stop anyway (the road is a single-lane road, so it wasn’t far away) and as we gathered, I saw 975 go past my stop. I said it was fine that I missed my bus. The entire group cheered thank you as I left the bus stop. Ah, camps.
As the next bus came, another group came also...this time, not at the opposite stop. When I was going to board the bus, I noticed their group started crowding around nearer and nearer to my stop. I caught their instructor looking at me with a camera in his hands. Oh no!
Well, at least this group didn’t make me miss the bus, I guess.
I felt pretty exited to go back to school, really. I’ve always loved the school to bits, and even if I didn’t, I admittedly had missed school. The people, teachers, the canteen, everything. School is like a second home. It’s a beautiful place, where we all got to see and share the experience of seeing each other grow from a small primary school graduate, to a young adult. I’ve seen people who, at that time, didn’t even seem to know what the word “fuck” meant. Today, these exact same people that I know have girlfriends and talk about sex freely. In school, we get to meet fantastic new people and friends. We get to eat cheap food. We get to run around and have fun. We don’t have to work very hard for what we want. Our daily 7.45AM-5.30PM schedule is done for us. It’s like a community that never existed, but we were part of it. It’s like being a kid while being an adult at the same time. The countless number of hours, laughs, and even tears we would have shared with each other which brought us that much more closer to each other is beyond comprehension. We vandalize tables in class when we’re bored, skip lessons when we don’t feel like it, and bitch about how a teacher isn’t exactly doing her job right, or how a teacher is doing her job too right. Now, it’s all over. We’ll never get to do those things, ever, ever again. We’re gonna have to really work for what we want or need. A little too late to reminisce now, but...sigh. In the corporate world, even our day-to-day teases to our friends which we take for granted could cause some seriousness. Whenever someone tells me they hate school, I know they aren’t being real about it. They can’t be.
I got off the bus, and walked towards the school gate. I found it funny, how school was the probably the only destination I could reach without having to transfer buses at all. You’d probably be thinking I’m crazy to go back to school, but each time I go back to school, I’m full of hopes. Hopes of thinking that it isn’t going to be the last time I was going to see many faces. I know the day will come when the school and I are completely and officially cut off, and it’s going to come soon. So, I’m making the most out of the time I have.
As I opened the school gate and let myself in, I saw a familiar face: Rosaini. I don’t know her, but I have a habit of recognizing people by their faces. Closing the school gate, the security guard called me out, and told me that according to the OM, ex-pupils were not allowed into the school (WTF). We had to get a teacher’s approval, or the OM’s. I called up Ling Jie, and asked him to come down to the school gate. It was the usual stuff, explaining to the security guard auty blah blah blah...ah, school.
While I was waiting for Ling Jie to come back, I had a nice chat with Ms.Uma. Rosaini too, was having a chat with Ms.Uma, and she was talking about why the school wouldn’t allow their ex-students in, even when we were wearing uniform. It went something like this:
“how come the school like this one? How come cannot enter? We some more wearing school uniform leh! You see Ramesh also!”
I jerked a little. Rosaini knew my name? o_O
Ms.Uma was being her usual self, with that oh-so-sweet smile, which, to be honest, I can’t get enough of. I could tell she found Rosaini’s whiny tone amusing. Haha. Actually, it kinda was.
Ms. Grace (the new school counselor, who is actually lousier than Mr.Abdul IMO) also called me over from a distance. I thought she would have forgotten me, but nope. She saw me, and the very first thing she said was my name. I was quite surprised.
Ling Jie went and came back –this time, with a teacher. This time, it was not a familiar face. He, however, did look friendly and welcome-ish, and thank god for that. I traded my ez-link card for a visitor’s pass (yippee, right?) at the security booth and we walked towards comp lab1.
On our way to comp lab 1, I saw Alger with his fellow scouts. He told me benedict had came to school too, and that he was in the drama room.
The comp lab was a little bit of in a mess. There was nothing obvious going on, and everything (or everyone) was all over the place...at least to me. This was nothing new to me, because IT club has been like this for as long as I’ve known, but I did expect the situation to improve this year, given the strong EXCO, but heh. No, It didn’t. But that was fine. As it turns out, that was actually the way it was supposed to be.
After a few HI’s here and there, I just sat in one corner, watching the club and what they did. IT club was all pretty much the same, but to me, that was the beauty of it.
Amier was supposed to do a questionnaire and print it out for the club, but he ran into…several problems. It was hilarious, watching this guy.
After the questionnaires were given out, Mdm Ling said that the new sec1’s would be going to take a look at AVA. This was because AVA and IT club were about to be merged and become a single CCA altogether (OH NO!!!). So, the sec 1’s that came into the comp lab were not just IT club hopefuls, they were AVA hopefuls too.
Personally, I think it would be a COMPLETE DISASTER if the two club were going to merge...i’m hoping they don’t.
It is told that we are allowed to choose which members we would want for the club...it is also told that we’re taking in only 10 members this year.
That’s what they said last year, and look! 18 new members!
After the sec 1’s left for AVA, Mdm Ling talked to the club about the CCA LEAPS points, and blah blah blah. This exact same thing was done by kok haw for the previous badge, and maybe that’s why no one in the club gave a damn about their points back then. Point is, Mdm Ling did a very good job explaining where we stood in terms of points, and how plans were to settle it all. After she left, she let us have our own slack time. (ya, srssly.)
I decided to view the animation we made. The polished version, thanks to our instructor. The sound effects in the clips were more dramatic this time round, and without a doubt, the animation I watched in the comp lab this very day, was by far, the most polished, touched, and complete product that I’ve ever seen in IT club before. Amazing.
P.S...if the old chairman and vice chairs were still around, our animation probably wouldn’t have reached this stage. I swear.
Ameir thinks we’ll win. Personally, I don’t know what other types of entries we’re up against, so, I don’t really know. If our animation does actually win, then…
IT CLUB IS EPIC, K?
After slacking, 5.00PM approached very quickly. We were dismissed, and the EXCO would have a meeting. I learnt that “Mr.friendly and welcome-ish” was known as Mr.Heng. This is when I also learnt that Geok Shan quit the EXCO. Nobody knows why, but she did =(. Why Geok Shan? Whyyy? Too bad, we have to respect her decision and let her go. If only we didn’t have to respect her decision. Then, heheheheheheheheh.
I walked to the bus stop with Ameir, and it was only after he left I saw the visitor’s pass, still in my pocket. I forgot that I had earlier traded in my ez-link card for the visitor’s pass (yippee, right?) So, I walked back to school as quickly as possible, and as I walked towards the traffic lights outside of school, I saw another familiar face.
“AY THANIKODI!”
It was Mrs.Zeh. She was at the opposite side of the traffic lights, and literally, we were shouting to each other across the road. Incredible.
Ms.Zeh: “What you doing in school? School uniform some more, so loyal!”
Me: “If not they won’t let me in!”
Yeah, you bet I got stares.
At the security booth, I saw Ms.Uma again. After a wave and smiles, I got my ez-link card, and walked towards the bus stop…again. It felt very nostalgic, going to school, meeting and greeting people here and there, waiting for the bus, waiting and competing with other CCKsians for a place in the bus, and the likes.
While I was waiting for the bus, Mr. Heng told me that “I looked awfully happy”. For some reason, I didn’t notice him there (maybe it was because I was taller than him), but we had a chat anyway. I told him that it felt kinda nice going back to school.
While I continued waiting for 975, I saw yet another familiar face. Or least it appeared to be. I saw this girl alight from one of the 190 buses, and for some reason, she looked familiar. She rang a bell, but I didn’t know why. As she walked past me, I got a glimpse of her nametag. It read: MANSI SINGH.
In my head, my reaction was liek, OMFGWTF!?!?!?!
It’s a NO WONDER she rang a bell. I whipped out my handphone and sent a text message to Sankarsh almost immediately.
After I got unto the bus, it was an uneventful journey home, as usual. Except for an occasion where a guy dropped his bottle and it rolled down below to the seats in front of him. I thought that was funny, and gave a comical expression. He glimpsed at me as he was going to pick up his rolling bottle, and laughed.
…
I think I need to get a haircut really soon.
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Still Aliveee
I can’t believe the amount of buzz the previous blogpost created, but yeah. It did, and I probably deserved it for posting such a sensitive issue which I never had explained myself about, ever.
It IS really temping to carry on and explain what’s all the buzz I’m talking about, but that is at a risk of making this blogpost sound like a sequel to the previous one, and that, I don’t wanna do.
Putting all that aside, I’m feeling a lot better now, and definitely in a good enough mood to type this. Some guy gave me some splendid advice, which made me come to a realization. If you’re reading this, you know who you are. Here’s a big thanks from me to you. You made me feel a lot better!
With this, I hope to put everything that has happened aside last year once and for all. It’s time to move on.
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2008: A sad story.
Friday, January 2, 2009
This year held alot of promises for me, or at least it seemed to, but none of them actually held up to what it was worth. It was unbearable, watching my portions of my life simply crumble into pieces right before my very eyes, over and over again. My academics, my parents, friends, love, future, home, self, and literally everything. The number of promises all built up so much, it all simply fell down, collapsing under it's own weight.
The year before was bliss. Everything was perfect, and sometimes, too perfect. There was little to worry about. For the first time in my entire life, I felt...noticed. It wasn't easy to get used to, for I always had thought I was one heck of a complete loser. I never had experienced anything like it...it was unexplainable, and it certainly removed some of my worries about how I was, socially, around people. A few other worries were also gone: I didn't worry about home, family, academics was slack back then, and the likes. At that time, it looked like nothing ever, ever, would possibly interrupt my own stupid heaven I was living in.
So, why didn't it all carry over to this year?
This year started out great. It was the same, but alot more emphasis was placed on academics on the whole, because we would be taking the 'O' levels at the end of the year. It all boiled down to that, and only that. I can't remember what made going to school, day after day, such a joyful occasion for me. The school counseller, some teachers, and a few others told me that it was incredible, that I loved the school to it's bits, but for me, it felt natural.
I've always been a sensitive, and in some cases, a overly-sensitive person. In a nutshell, i've always had feelings that come on very, very strong, whenever something happens. This quality of a person is so badly defamed, it has a nickname given to it: Emo. I was once told by a teacher, that I should stop following what my heart says, and instead, listen to what my brain has to say. Over time, the value that statement brought into my life would take me on my very own roller-coaster ride, because each time I get angry and throw and break stuff, it would be my heart telling me to do so, whereas my brain, which has the ability to tell me that throwing stuff is wrong, would just play dead. There was once a time someone described me as "a big guy with a even bigger heart". I was touched, but it was then I realised, following my heart isn't going to get me places.
This problem would get worse over time, because as I couldn't help but to do what my heart said, I landed myself into hot soup several times. It sucked, because I got an offence form for my stupidity, more than once. I knew it was wrong to do so, but I did it. The school counsellor helped me with this, and he said having a big heart was not a bad thing, but I needed self discipline to make sure my brain would tell me to stop. I went home, and tried reflecting on myself about things like these by putting a pen to paper with my diary, but I often ended up in tears, dissapointed and angry with myself even before I started the entry. The diary, today, is full of happy memories, completely missing out of a single mention of an offense form because of this very reason.
...it wasn't long before my father would address me as things such as, "no brain fella" and "stupid useless bastard". I never really every liked him, for he had whacked me on my head with a bamboo stick once until I had fainted, and in another occasion, rammed my stomach with a hammer. We never talked, he never wanted to talk and hear people out, and did whatever he wanted. He did whatever he wanted alright, because right after my mother had saved up for a high speed internet access contract, and money to rennovate both the toilets at jurong into condo-era style toilets, and just as we were settling down happily, my father decided to move houses. For the record, the previous internet contract we had was terminated, with a penalty, because my father broke the $2000 modem.
I had never, ever, enjoyed using toilets so much in my entire life. But we had to leave it, and move to some place that is anything, but sanitary. My dad runs a diary cattle farm (a cow farm) and he had built a farmhouse there a couple of years back. He said that he was supposedly going to rent out the farmhouse, but I knew the day was unavoidable.
When I first heard that we were going to move, I got angry again and spouted vulgarities at my dad, the same way he treated us. My mother was helpless, as my father has never let anyone do anything to our wishes, so she was already starting to pack the stuff to leave the house. I didn't want to leave, so I just sat in front of the computer, as my mum started packing stuff from my room. I was chatting with a girl on messenger, a girl, who at that time, meant so much to me. She seemed to be the only friend in my entire life who ever cared about my feelings, and the only girl i've ever had a whole-hearted relationship with. I couldn't help it, but I started to have feelings for her. She meant alot to me, and chatting with her as everybody in the family was packing, helped ease my burderns by unlimited proportions. Problem was, while she was all this and that, she didn't know the gravity of the situation. My friendship with her, at that time itself, was already giving unheard sounds of crying pain. We didn't face each other in school, because we had problems on our part, and from that day I moved, would take a downhill detour, because the only way we actually managed to face her, was through the internet. Ah, the dangers of instant messaging. Ah, the importance of face-to-face communication. But again, she never really understood the gravity of the situation, or she didn't give a damn about me:
Me: We're moving to the farm today...that means I won't be able go online anymore.
...long pause...
Me: Hello? you there?
Her: so, you going for geog class tmr?
I felt a litle backstabbed at this point, to be honest. I couldn't handle my heart's emotions anymore. The whole house was being emptied, and the one person in my life, who meant so much to me, just...
I said bye to her and signed out of messenger. Its actually a rarety that I leave a conversation in such a fashion. I was crying in front of the computer. My mother came back into my room to carry the stuff down to my dad's lorry. She saw me crying, but she thought I was crying because we were moving, and not because of her. In actual fact, it was a mix of both that made me break down like this, and the one person, who had always helped me by lending a ear, and in some cases, by lending a hand, wasn't there when I needed her the most.
It was new to me, and a tad overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle all this. She was gone, and we were moving to a farm. I never have been accepted and liked so much by a girl, she had already gone deep into my heart, and grabbed it. But now, she was gone. I felt backstabbed. I felt angry. I felt dissapointed.
In less than 2 days, we were already trying to make ourselves at our new home. Things were terrible. We had moved from a executive apartment, to a tiny farmhouse. Home was a terrible place to be in, without even a single fan in place. My dad had helped us empty and leave jurong in less than 2 days, but he didn't help us with moving into the farmhouse at all. It took us nearly 2 whole months of sorting things out and downsize our stuff from a 5 room executive, to a tiny 2 room farmhouse. It was actually a 4 room farmhouse, but 2 of the 4 rooms were in use. One of the rooms, my dad had rented out to a poor couple, and the other, as a store room for some idiot's junk. Needless to say, studying at home wasn't an option. It took my dad more than 4 months to get these rooms back from these people, but it took only 2 days to get us out of jurong. Yup, he does whatever he wants.
Things didn't stop here. After we moved to the farm, my mother could no longer put up with my dad's nonsense. They fought, and my mum soon came out of the office, crying her heart out. She entered her room, and started packing her stuff. The next day, she would leave for the airport to take a flight to india.
Living with my father alone was a different experience altogether, and I could never get used to it.
While studying at home wasn't a option, studying at school didnt do me any justice either. I was always emo-ing and being distracted by her and her clique. It felt like one time I belonged in that very clique. That feeling and level of acceptance, was gone. And it wasn't easy to let go of.
Over time, things just got more complicated between me and her. Worse, the beans were spilt easy, because everybody saw right through me: I loved her. On my part, I tried to let go of her, for I had already given her hell and countless problems. It wasn't easy, because somehow, one way or another, she kept coming back.
During the mid year holidays, when the F&N students camped in school to finish up the typing of our coursework folio, I decided to sign into messenger. And there she was, online. I didn't initiate a chat with her on purpose, as I wanted to continue my coursework. Guilt ridden, I continued my typing, but then she initiated a chat with me. As I wasn't able to concentrate on my coursework with her at the back of my mind, I decided to just settle it. She started apologising like crazy, and we made serious confessions to each other about how we felt about each other, and how we both wished to be friends again. As she typed apology after apology, and as they appeared on the screen, my eyes started tearing. Every single one of her apologies were dead accurate, and sincire. This time round, she had understood the gravity of the situation better, because she knew that if not for that fateful chat we had, we would not have sorted things out. I covered my face with my hands in front of the computer in lab1-for I was shedding tears, tears of joy.
Problem was, she never was any kind of normal person. She seemed like the sweetest little thing on the planet, and it was flower blossoms each time she talked to me, but she wasn't normal.
That chat did not, believe it or not, improve things at all. We knew that we'd like to chat, but we couldn't. Or at least I couldn't. We were always passing by each other, exchanging random smiles and waves, but we never actually sat down and talk. I knew this was fragile, and would break again soon. It didn't feel right.
While we drifted apart, she started falling for another guy, in her class. Soon enough, I heard things going on between them. My heart ached each time I saw them walking together happily from thier class, nextdoor, to the canteen below, across the parade square. Jonathan and I usually hang around the railings outside of our class during reccess, and he noticed. He helped ease some of the burderns I had, and has helped expain and point out things to me. Dominic, too, was another person who helped me ease these burderns.
I heard more and more about them. But it was one particualar incident that made me break into tears for the entire recess period. I cried uncontrollably again, with Dominic patting my back, and Jonathan offering me a packet of tissue. I started scribbling on my diary of how I needed to move on and let things go, as tears wet the page and smudge the ink.
We never got to talk. She was happy with him, and I was kinda forgotten. They were always together, every time I saw them and look at how happy she was, I realised how much of a failiure I was for not being a good friend of her's. This sinking feeling never went away, the sinking feeling just distracted me from my studies.
my mum was in india, my dad was doing shit, home was a junkyard, I felt as if I never had anyone, i lived in a farm, and my academics were going down the drain.
I remembered that, after I moved to the farm, we both would be taking the same bus to school. Sometimes, when she would ignore me while on the bus, but she always told me that she didn't see me. But I am sure she has ignored me on the bus. More than once. I also remember how she would alight before me on the bus, and take huge strides to the school gate, making sure I was far, far, away. There was once she saw me on the bus, and ignored me. After I reached the parade square at school, she came up to me and told me: "Were you on the bus? I didn't see you!". Lost for words, I just continued walking in my general direction. I didn't even know if what I did was right or wrong.
There was once they were walking together, and we both were suppsedly heading towards the same bus stop, as we were supposed to take the same bus. But they both ignored me collectively, and headed to another bus stop further away to take another bus service, just to make sure I don't take the same bus as her. I stood there at the bus stop opposite of the polyclinic, and watched them walk straight until they turned left the the next junction, and dissapear.
As the O levels reached nearer, I had already moved on. It wasn't easy, but I had to, because of the examinations. In the process, I had discovered so many people that I would never have if I were stuck to her. These people include:
The allmighty SANKARSH, the one person who has helped me all this time, over and over again, countless number of times. This is one guy I need to thank.
DOMINIC. While I was caught in this game of love, dominic had always been candid with telling me about his status, and how he felt about someone. Incredibly, he can be quite a good person to confide in. Surprising.
JONATHAN. This is, hands down, one of the funniest guys ive ever met. And for all those times we talked outside of our class by the railing, those were priceless. Another guy who you can confide in, but not in a mushy sweet kinda way.
CHELSEA! She's the type of person who is fixed and focused on what she does, and has every single minute of her life planned out, I swear. Sure, she may not have much fun, but I know this girl since sec 1, and to me, she's got heart, and no matter how little, she's not afraid to be her true self. And i'm lucky to discover her. I thought she would be busy with her O's, but she came up to me, just to talk to me about her problems. I thought that was very sweet.
KHAMNEE! She's fun, very sociable and flexible. Probably the most straight forward and the most comical/fun girl i've ever met, because she can make you laugh! Girls of such qualities are very, very, rare..., and i'm glad to know her, and I can't believe my luck!
BENEDICT. yeah, yeah you must be running up the wall right now. But believe it or not, benedict is incredibly good at heart. It's just that, his good intentions doesn't come through his personality very nicely. A little playful and insensitive at times, but he knows how to care.
There are others who helped me though this, but I can't remember at the moment. But these people that i've discovered, was because I chose to move on / run away. As the O levels came, things seemed to just click on time. My mum came back from india, and alhough she caused a huge fight on her return due to her mental condition, she transformed the home from junkyard, to a actual home. The people I had discovered gave me encouragement in more ways than one, and the more I ran away, the better I felt. I simply backed down and kept a extremely low profile about anything I did. At this point of time, i'm pretty sure she hated me to the core (I heard she scolded me the F word). But I ran away. I was having a lovely chat with Chelsea in the canteen, with no regrets whatsoever, I had gone over to khamnee's place to study, Dominic and I shared the same feelings, Jonathan was heading for a happy ending (and I'm honoured to be part of his journey there), and Sankarsh and I were having fun crapping around! (we played with the damned fan during our MT exam retake). It was the same feeling I got back in sec 3: the feeling of people aknowledgeing your presence (not the same as the feeling of people respecting you).
As I backed down, everything quietened. Besides the occasional glances we had, I heard nothing at all. There was once I was in the hall, as I was packing my bag after the paper, she walked past me, and tapped my shoulder, and wished me good luck for the next paper. Chelsea saw this, haha, you should have seen her face.
While things clicked on time, my fear is that it may have been a little too late. My fear is i'd actually repeat sec4 due to badass results. But if I were to repeat sec4 again, i'd do it right this time round.
Today, things are as normal as it can get. When I went back online, she asked me to listen to what she had to say. She then told me she wanted to change and that she'd do anything to start things over and be good friends all over again. My feelings for her has changed too. Admittedly, I did used to like her, but ever since she got involved with her guy, i've noticed a change in her since. That something about her I used to like so much is gone. I don't know what it was, and i'd probably never know. never. What I do know is that, this girl whom I used to like so much and cry over is no longer there. She's gone. It took me nearly more that half a year to recover from my terrible loss, but I did it, on my own.
The year before was bliss. Everything was perfect, and sometimes, too perfect. There was little to worry about. For the first time in my entire life, I felt...noticed. It wasn't easy to get used to, for I always had thought I was one heck of a complete loser. I never had experienced anything like it...it was unexplainable, and it certainly removed some of my worries about how I was, socially, around people. A few other worries were also gone: I didn't worry about home, family, academics was slack back then, and the likes. At that time, it looked like nothing ever, ever, would possibly interrupt my own stupid heaven I was living in.
So, why didn't it all carry over to this year?
This year started out great. It was the same, but alot more emphasis was placed on academics on the whole, because we would be taking the 'O' levels at the end of the year. It all boiled down to that, and only that. I can't remember what made going to school, day after day, such a joyful occasion for me. The school counseller, some teachers, and a few others told me that it was incredible, that I loved the school to it's bits, but for me, it felt natural.
I've always been a sensitive, and in some cases, a overly-sensitive person. In a nutshell, i've always had feelings that come on very, very strong, whenever something happens. This quality of a person is so badly defamed, it has a nickname given to it: Emo. I was once told by a teacher, that I should stop following what my heart says, and instead, listen to what my brain has to say. Over time, the value that statement brought into my life would take me on my very own roller-coaster ride, because each time I get angry and throw and break stuff, it would be my heart telling me to do so, whereas my brain, which has the ability to tell me that throwing stuff is wrong, would just play dead. There was once a time someone described me as "a big guy with a even bigger heart". I was touched, but it was then I realised, following my heart isn't going to get me places.
This problem would get worse over time, because as I couldn't help but to do what my heart said, I landed myself into hot soup several times. It sucked, because I got an offence form for my stupidity, more than once. I knew it was wrong to do so, but I did it. The school counsellor helped me with this, and he said having a big heart was not a bad thing, but I needed self discipline to make sure my brain would tell me to stop. I went home, and tried reflecting on myself about things like these by putting a pen to paper with my diary, but I often ended up in tears, dissapointed and angry with myself even before I started the entry. The diary, today, is full of happy memories, completely missing out of a single mention of an offense form because of this very reason.
...it wasn't long before my father would address me as things such as, "no brain fella" and "stupid useless bastard". I never really every liked him, for he had whacked me on my head with a bamboo stick once until I had fainted, and in another occasion, rammed my stomach with a hammer. We never talked, he never wanted to talk and hear people out, and did whatever he wanted. He did whatever he wanted alright, because right after my mother had saved up for a high speed internet access contract, and money to rennovate both the toilets at jurong into condo-era style toilets, and just as we were settling down happily, my father decided to move houses. For the record, the previous internet contract we had was terminated, with a penalty, because my father broke the $2000 modem.
I had never, ever, enjoyed using toilets so much in my entire life. But we had to leave it, and move to some place that is anything, but sanitary. My dad runs a diary cattle farm (a cow farm) and he had built a farmhouse there a couple of years back. He said that he was supposedly going to rent out the farmhouse, but I knew the day was unavoidable.
When I first heard that we were going to move, I got angry again and spouted vulgarities at my dad, the same way he treated us. My mother was helpless, as my father has never let anyone do anything to our wishes, so she was already starting to pack the stuff to leave the house. I didn't want to leave, so I just sat in front of the computer, as my mum started packing stuff from my room. I was chatting with a girl on messenger, a girl, who at that time, meant so much to me. She seemed to be the only friend in my entire life who ever cared about my feelings, and the only girl i've ever had a whole-hearted relationship with. I couldn't help it, but I started to have feelings for her. She meant alot to me, and chatting with her as everybody in the family was packing, helped ease my burderns by unlimited proportions. Problem was, while she was all this and that, she didn't know the gravity of the situation. My friendship with her, at that time itself, was already giving unheard sounds of crying pain. We didn't face each other in school, because we had problems on our part, and from that day I moved, would take a downhill detour, because the only way we actually managed to face her, was through the internet. Ah, the dangers of instant messaging. Ah, the importance of face-to-face communication. But again, she never really understood the gravity of the situation, or she didn't give a damn about me:
Me: We're moving to the farm today...that means I won't be able go online anymore.
...long pause...
Me: Hello? you there?
Her: so, you going for geog class tmr?
I felt a litle backstabbed at this point, to be honest. I couldn't handle my heart's emotions anymore. The whole house was being emptied, and the one person in my life, who meant so much to me, just...
I said bye to her and signed out of messenger. Its actually a rarety that I leave a conversation in such a fashion. I was crying in front of the computer. My mother came back into my room to carry the stuff down to my dad's lorry. She saw me crying, but she thought I was crying because we were moving, and not because of her. In actual fact, it was a mix of both that made me break down like this, and the one person, who had always helped me by lending a ear, and in some cases, by lending a hand, wasn't there when I needed her the most.
It was new to me, and a tad overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle all this. She was gone, and we were moving to a farm. I never have been accepted and liked so much by a girl, she had already gone deep into my heart, and grabbed it. But now, she was gone. I felt backstabbed. I felt angry. I felt dissapointed.
In less than 2 days, we were already trying to make ourselves at our new home. Things were terrible. We had moved from a executive apartment, to a tiny farmhouse. Home was a terrible place to be in, without even a single fan in place. My dad had helped us empty and leave jurong in less than 2 days, but he didn't help us with moving into the farmhouse at all. It took us nearly 2 whole months of sorting things out and downsize our stuff from a 5 room executive, to a tiny 2 room farmhouse. It was actually a 4 room farmhouse, but 2 of the 4 rooms were in use. One of the rooms, my dad had rented out to a poor couple, and the other, as a store room for some idiot's junk. Needless to say, studying at home wasn't an option. It took my dad more than 4 months to get these rooms back from these people, but it took only 2 days to get us out of jurong. Yup, he does whatever he wants.
Things didn't stop here. After we moved to the farm, my mother could no longer put up with my dad's nonsense. They fought, and my mum soon came out of the office, crying her heart out. She entered her room, and started packing her stuff. The next day, she would leave for the airport to take a flight to india.
Living with my father alone was a different experience altogether, and I could never get used to it.
While studying at home wasn't a option, studying at school didnt do me any justice either. I was always emo-ing and being distracted by her and her clique. It felt like one time I belonged in that very clique. That feeling and level of acceptance, was gone. And it wasn't easy to let go of.
Over time, things just got more complicated between me and her. Worse, the beans were spilt easy, because everybody saw right through me: I loved her. On my part, I tried to let go of her, for I had already given her hell and countless problems. It wasn't easy, because somehow, one way or another, she kept coming back.
During the mid year holidays, when the F&N students camped in school to finish up the typing of our coursework folio, I decided to sign into messenger. And there she was, online. I didn't initiate a chat with her on purpose, as I wanted to continue my coursework. Guilt ridden, I continued my typing, but then she initiated a chat with me. As I wasn't able to concentrate on my coursework with her at the back of my mind, I decided to just settle it. She started apologising like crazy, and we made serious confessions to each other about how we felt about each other, and how we both wished to be friends again. As she typed apology after apology, and as they appeared on the screen, my eyes started tearing. Every single one of her apologies were dead accurate, and sincire. This time round, she had understood the gravity of the situation better, because she knew that if not for that fateful chat we had, we would not have sorted things out. I covered my face with my hands in front of the computer in lab1-for I was shedding tears, tears of joy.
Problem was, she never was any kind of normal person. She seemed like the sweetest little thing on the planet, and it was flower blossoms each time she talked to me, but she wasn't normal.
That chat did not, believe it or not, improve things at all. We knew that we'd like to chat, but we couldn't. Or at least I couldn't. We were always passing by each other, exchanging random smiles and waves, but we never actually sat down and talk. I knew this was fragile, and would break again soon. It didn't feel right.
While we drifted apart, she started falling for another guy, in her class. Soon enough, I heard things going on between them. My heart ached each time I saw them walking together happily from thier class, nextdoor, to the canteen below, across the parade square. Jonathan and I usually hang around the railings outside of our class during reccess, and he noticed. He helped ease some of the burderns I had, and has helped expain and point out things to me. Dominic, too, was another person who helped me ease these burderns.
I heard more and more about them. But it was one particualar incident that made me break into tears for the entire recess period. I cried uncontrollably again, with Dominic patting my back, and Jonathan offering me a packet of tissue. I started scribbling on my diary of how I needed to move on and let things go, as tears wet the page and smudge the ink.
We never got to talk. She was happy with him, and I was kinda forgotten. They were always together, every time I saw them and look at how happy she was, I realised how much of a failiure I was for not being a good friend of her's. This sinking feeling never went away, the sinking feeling just distracted me from my studies.
my mum was in india, my dad was doing shit, home was a junkyard, I felt as if I never had anyone, i lived in a farm, and my academics were going down the drain.
I remembered that, after I moved to the farm, we both would be taking the same bus to school. Sometimes, when she would ignore me while on the bus, but she always told me that she didn't see me. But I am sure she has ignored me on the bus. More than once. I also remember how she would alight before me on the bus, and take huge strides to the school gate, making sure I was far, far, away. There was once she saw me on the bus, and ignored me. After I reached the parade square at school, she came up to me and told me: "Were you on the bus? I didn't see you!". Lost for words, I just continued walking in my general direction. I didn't even know if what I did was right or wrong.
There was once they were walking together, and we both were suppsedly heading towards the same bus stop, as we were supposed to take the same bus. But they both ignored me collectively, and headed to another bus stop further away to take another bus service, just to make sure I don't take the same bus as her. I stood there at the bus stop opposite of the polyclinic, and watched them walk straight until they turned left the the next junction, and dissapear.
As the O levels reached nearer, I had already moved on. It wasn't easy, but I had to, because of the examinations. In the process, I had discovered so many people that I would never have if I were stuck to her. These people include:
The allmighty SANKARSH, the one person who has helped me all this time, over and over again, countless number of times. This is one guy I need to thank.
DOMINIC. While I was caught in this game of love, dominic had always been candid with telling me about his status, and how he felt about someone. Incredibly, he can be quite a good person to confide in. Surprising.
JONATHAN. This is, hands down, one of the funniest guys ive ever met. And for all those times we talked outside of our class by the railing, those were priceless. Another guy who you can confide in, but not in a mushy sweet kinda way.
CHELSEA! She's the type of person who is fixed and focused on what she does, and has every single minute of her life planned out, I swear. Sure, she may not have much fun, but I know this girl since sec 1, and to me, she's got heart, and no matter how little, she's not afraid to be her true self. And i'm lucky to discover her. I thought she would be busy with her O's, but she came up to me, just to talk to me about her problems. I thought that was very sweet.
KHAMNEE! She's fun, very sociable and flexible. Probably the most straight forward and the most comical/fun girl i've ever met, because she can make you laugh! Girls of such qualities are very, very, rare..., and i'm glad to know her, and I can't believe my luck!
BENEDICT. yeah, yeah you must be running up the wall right now. But believe it or not, benedict is incredibly good at heart. It's just that, his good intentions doesn't come through his personality very nicely. A little playful and insensitive at times, but he knows how to care.
There are others who helped me though this, but I can't remember at the moment. But these people that i've discovered, was because I chose to move on / run away. As the O levels came, things seemed to just click on time. My mum came back from india, and alhough she caused a huge fight on her return due to her mental condition, she transformed the home from junkyard, to a actual home. The people I had discovered gave me encouragement in more ways than one, and the more I ran away, the better I felt. I simply backed down and kept a extremely low profile about anything I did. At this point of time, i'm pretty sure she hated me to the core (I heard she scolded me the F word). But I ran away. I was having a lovely chat with Chelsea in the canteen, with no regrets whatsoever, I had gone over to khamnee's place to study, Dominic and I shared the same feelings, Jonathan was heading for a happy ending (and I'm honoured to be part of his journey there), and Sankarsh and I were having fun crapping around! (we played with the damned fan during our MT exam retake). It was the same feeling I got back in sec 3: the feeling of people aknowledgeing your presence (not the same as the feeling of people respecting you).
As I backed down, everything quietened. Besides the occasional glances we had, I heard nothing at all. There was once I was in the hall, as I was packing my bag after the paper, she walked past me, and tapped my shoulder, and wished me good luck for the next paper. Chelsea saw this, haha, you should have seen her face.
While things clicked on time, my fear is that it may have been a little too late. My fear is i'd actually repeat sec4 due to badass results. But if I were to repeat sec4 again, i'd do it right this time round.
Today, things are as normal as it can get. When I went back online, she asked me to listen to what she had to say. She then told me she wanted to change and that she'd do anything to start things over and be good friends all over again. My feelings for her has changed too. Admittedly, I did used to like her, but ever since she got involved with her guy, i've noticed a change in her since. That something about her I used to like so much is gone. I don't know what it was, and i'd probably never know. never. What I do know is that, this girl whom I used to like so much and cry over is no longer there. She's gone. It took me nearly more that half a year to recover from my terrible loss, but I did it, on my own.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________