Dear blog,

I haven't been updating you for some time now. I'd love to update you regularly, but i've been rather emotional about everything these days. I intend to keep you happy, but that's getting increasingly difficult to do. School's getting a little rough. I believe time is magic, time has the power to heal, and time will heal, but i'm a little afraid. We might not have enough time.

Oh there I go, being emotional again.

well, bloggie, as a bonus, i’ll throw in 5 posts into today’s update. Pretty insane, but you deserve it. So here’s #1 of a 5-part your multi post update.

I can be pretty stupid at times, really. I do things I don’t even know, and things that I don’t exactly mean. I really don’t know. Mum told me to stop saying that, that I should stop saying “I don’t know”. But right now, things are pretty heated up, and i’m both in the middle of it, AND the cause of it. Right now, I don’t know what to do. I need a listening ear, someone I can sit down with right now, exhale everything out, and then laugh about it over a cup of coke. It’s scary, I don’t know who I can turn to for sound, correct, and sensible advice.

Wait, its more like, I don’t know what’s the right advice I should be listening to.

But one person in class gave managed to give me some advice. Really sound advice. This guy from my class doesn’t even know half of the story behind me being emo these days, but he shared his own experience with me, a similar situation i’m in right now. Something about what he said to me made me push to do something today, but instead, I held back – again. I intend to do something, but this something that i’m going to do, i’m just too chicken. I’m too chicken, because i’m scared of making yet another small yet important mistake. I’m afraid of screwing things up even further than they already are, just trying to fix it.

Today was different. Well, this entire week’s been different. Going to school, day after day, there’s less things to look forward to socially. I used to have a certain acceptance, a certain belonging. Something to look forward to when going to school. I valued that so much, but now, everything’s threading on thin ice, and its all my fault. I can’t seem to be able to fix it very well (advice i’ve been getting hasn’t helped much thus far), and my brain is running away from this reality; my focus on things at school is changing. I see myself more focused on work being given to me at school. I also get up and sleep at regular times these days (damn, I need an alarm clock), just for the sake of my attendance at school. It doesn’t feel right, but then again, it doesn’t feel wrong either. I mean, what else do we go to school for?

Yeah, it’s funny how the world works.

I’ve been chatting alot with Jonathan lately. It’s fun, and honestly, I miss talking to guys (no homo).

ah man, funny guy.

i’m pretty nervous to face school these days, but I still believe time will heal us all. May god have mercy upon us.

I’m sorry to have caused so much misery, sadness, confusion, anger, dispersion, and heartbreaks. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, especially any one of you guys.

Please forgive me. I know its rather cowardly of me to apologize here, but i’m so so so sorry.

P.S bloggie, I hope you like my new style of writing.
P.P.S ah damn it, Blogger isn’t loading properly. I’m writing this using Windows Live Writer, which is surprisingly good!

Word out,
Ramesh