I do however, have a valid reason. My internet was down. Well, it's finally back up, and more than anything, i'm just relieved. In the meanwhile, i've been writing my beloved diary -again. I started this blog with the intention of replacing my diary slowly, but that might take a little longer to implement than I thought.

One major difference i've noticed between blogging and writing my diary is the honesty involved. I can write anything, anything at all in my diary, and even let someone read it. I'd be cool with it even. With this blog, it's hard to keep the same amount of honesty. It just is. It sucks, and it sucks bad. I feel horrible, looking at a blogpost and realizing that what I wrote wasn't exactly what was in my head.

It is said that people who Blog about thier lives are people who are proud of what they do, which is why they don't mind the entire world reading it. Maybe it's true, but I never really looked at it that way. To me, writing a blog or diary is just priceless self reflection. My counsellor told me that back then, but that was back then. Today, having a blog is nothing else but totally "in".

As usual, nothing much has happened at all. Everyone is getting laptops...except me, that is. It isn't helping how I feel, because I have always wanted a laptop for myself. I really, really, don't have anything that is truly mine. I expected myself to be going to a poly now, and yes, with a laptop. But I ruined that for myself.  Sometimes, I wish I could just...die. It would solve alot of things around here. There's really no one I can blame anything on, except myself. I'm really a failiure. I can't tell myself it's ok-ay, because that is lying to myself. It isn't right, it isn't true. Nothing is okay. I see the entire world as red, I feel like smashing up things all the time. Then, i'd cry over it feeling sorry for myself.

Chen Sing got a MacBook Pro 15-inch. I wish I had one. He wanted me to help him out with things here and there I guess, so we decided to meet up early at Jurong Point. He wanted to eat lunch there.

With no school, my entire day-day routine is distorted. I don't even sleep at the correct times. Anyway, I decided to sleep early, to make sure I don't oversleep, and not to cause him to wait a long time for me. Actually,  I would feel quilty if someone was waiting for me.

I reached early, and got more than I bargained for. I ended up waiting for him. He wanted to buy a Sound Recorder, to record some coversations or something. So, we got one at Sony Style. I don't remember us buying any other hardware besides that. We did, however, look at some cheapo laptop mice and some of the official Mac Hardware at the Apple shop in Jurong Point. Walking around, we decided kopitiam was too fucking crowded, and went to Long John Silvers. I didn't want to eat at all (wasn't feeling hungry, and my parents don't give me money anyway), but he insisted. It feels crappy, to get someone to pay for your food. I always end up like that, because I never get any money at all, besides topping up my bus fare. No, not a single cent.

I wonder why my parents are like that. Every single other parent I know are willing to spend -at least a little on thier kids. I know people who get to eat fast food everyday. I know parents ho give thier kids everything. Everysinglefuckingthing. As for me, I have to beg for $5. Even that, I couldn't get today. All they every say is that they don't have money. Yet, my dad invested $22,000 on machines to make yoghurt, and managed to fix up a broken down vehicle he had, left his office's air conditioning turned on even when he wasn't in, and all other shit. The entire month, I don't think i've even spent $20 at all. That's how stupid things are in my family. Teachers at school told me "some people are just born with more problems"....true, but...I really didn't know what to say. I know other people who easily spend above $100 in a week. Heck, I haven't even have been able to contact anyone on my handphone, because my parents don't want me to top up the prepaid value. They say I don't need it. My sister called my mum a 'monkey' behind her back when she was in india. When mum came back, my sister acts nice again. When I vent my anger and frustration over how many things are wrong, i'm hated. What kind of life is this.

As I left my house to meet Chen Sing, my mum came out and asked if I had money. I asked her to fuck off. My mum wouldn't do anything even if I gave a proper reply anyway, my father has reduced her to nothing but a chore housewife, and my mum has literally given up talking to my father about finances. The only thing my mum does is to cook. And only cook. Hell, she doesn't even sweep the house, because the farmhouse is dirty, and it always be no matter what. It's incredibly difficult to keep it clean. Also, she cooks crap anyway. why? because my father buys all the ingredients, and only buys what he likes. I'm sick and tired of eating rice over and over with the same mock meat curry. At least when we were living in the flat, my mum would ask us to run errands, just so that she could make something nice. Here, the nearest 7-eleven is an hour away.

Anyway, eating Long John Silvers after such a long time felt nice. Really nice. I suggested indirectly to CS that we move quick, because I spotted a group of people eyeing our table with empty trays.

It was off to CS's house after that, and he told me a funny incident of a drunken guy in a nightclub during his visit to indonesia. Sigh. I really wish I could know how is it like to sit on a areoplane. Anyway, I LOLed on the bus. CS has a way with his stuff: he really can accurately describe what he pictures in his head through words. If you don't believe me, you should go read his posts on the pebble fort. I can't remember vivdly about what exactly we talked about, but it was a whole bunch of things ranging from our non-consession bus fare rates to cars drifting. (part of a game trailer I sent him before)

CS told me his dad was good with hardware. I wish my dad was like that. My dad absuloutely hates the computer, part of why he forced us 3 people (me, my brother, my sister) to share one internet connection. Guess what. Our internet connection costs $25 per month. And he says he can't pay for it.

Anyway, Chen Sing's PC has really good specs. That's my point. I wish I has specs like that. Then, I wouldn't have to spend hours trying to do up this stupid PC just to make sure I can play the game at it's bare minimum. That isn't fun, and the hours wasted could be put into playing. This entire thing is yet another game to me as a whole, and it isn't fun.

Well, he got a MacBook Pro. Yes, Pro = good specs, again. I helped him hook unto his home's wireless network (HE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD WIRELESS LOL), tried running some windows games natively on Mac, installed some shit, tweaked it to go faster, bla bla bla. While installing, we watched some Whose Line Is It Anyway? Chen Sing ROFLed at the end of the video. No kidding here, he was really Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Actually, it really was super duper funny. I couldn't control my laughter either. Expect that, I was on the chair.

He ended up having fun playing Team Fortress 2 on mac, while I tried launching steam on his PC so that I could play with him. Seriously, it didn't go any further than try. I tried launching it over and over again, it didn't work. It didn't work even after a restart. I ended up wasting 45 mins just trying to launch steam. I never got to play with him this day, sadly. That's just screwed up. Nose, wtf man. How do you even survive with that computer. I cleared out his entire game cache thereafter, and I ended up waiting for the computer to finish downloading/installing the game yet again. Then, Chen Sing asked me to go over to the Mac to help him setup bootcamp. It took a pretty fracking long time to get windowsXP to be fully set up on the Mac, but we did it, and in complete perfect condition too.

It was a long day, and I had fun.

Going home didn't feel good at all. I almost cried on the bus on the way back, with my mind still set on how i'm going to cope with my failiures in life and...i'll get a laptop. One day. All the fun I had today didn't manage to neutralize the depression in me.

I'll get a laptop. One day. Hopefully, it won't be too late. Getting a laptop when i'm older, when I have my own money isn't anything special at all. This are the best days of our lives, and a laptop really helps to top that.